Vipassana – The missing 10 days

I would never think that I will even think of doing a 10-day silent retreat to learn a meditation technique. But I am so glad I did it and I want to write down the experiences so I could remind myself of the great lessons I have learned through those missing 10 days.

Vipassana is an ancient meditation technique that originated in India, it means seeing things as they are. The technique itself is just simply observing the natural breath to concentrate your mind, and then you start to tune to your body to actually feel how it feels without reacting to any pleasant or unpleasant sensation you have felt. Wake up at 4am and finish at 9pm, 11 hrs meditation a day, sit still, no any type of communication or entertainment, you only have yourself during the whole 10 days silently with other souls also have their battle to fight.

The goal of the technique is full enlightenment which is sth I never thought I want to achieve. My purpose of this retreat was simply to want to know myself more on a deeper level and to release sth burden me deep inside. And I certainly fulfilled my intention in a very intense way both physically and mentally, I knew I have definitely not enlightened yet after these 10 days, but there’s something that has changed fundamentally, on both my conscious and unconscious level that I will never forget. The process of self-purification through self-observation is still a long way to go, but remember how far you’ve come.

Meditation in the toilet : Don’t push it, it will be fine.

My belly starts to feel uncomfortable on day 1. And after 3 days of eating cold food both in the morning and at dinner time, my stomach totally stopped functioning. On day 3, I was meditating in my room focus on how to do the technique properly, and all of the sudden, I saw a huge green alarm right in front of my face very vividly, and then it start beeping super loudly: “Di ~~~~~~! “, and then I heard my belly start collapsing, it was like a very intense shooting game happening in my belly, I couldn’t stop myself laughing at it at that moment, and thought ” Oh shit, sth is wrong but it’s so funny.” Since then, I either have constipation or diarrhea， and it ends until the day we finish. So I spent a lot of time in the toilet or on the way to the toilet, struggling to sit still and mental battles such as

• ” Do I need to fart in the hall or just hold on”.

• ” How am i continuing the course with this.”

• “I just arrived and I don’t want to waste my time and money and end up giving up”

• “I don’t want fart to affect other people, but i can’t control it.”

• “I want to fix this now!”

• “Why it doesn’t seem like getting better?”

• “I don’t like this and I want to change it.”

All the self-talk in my mind regards my belly issues make me realize how impatient I am, how much I like to push things to happen and how much I care about what other people think of me. Until this huge amount of anxiety leads to a panic attack one night, I had no choice but accepted it and learn to make peace with it. So after a night of panic attacks and 1 hour of sleep, I have to talk to the assistant teacher for help. She kindly offered me warm congee in the morning and at dinner time and reminds me don’t push too hard.

Came out of the interview, I knew my belly issues are not only a physical problem but it also a reflection of how I treat myself. I was so desperate to push through the whole course, don’t want to waste every single minute, wanted to prove I can handle this and don’t want to come out with a failure, and that’s a deep-rooted pattern that I thought I have already over with.

So I decided to deal with it in peace. I told myself that this is what has happened, your tummy has already fucked up and she just needs some time to recover, at the meantime you could feel upset about it or you could think of a way to take care of her. Then I start to really tune in to my stomach like having a conversation with her that what she really needs, and the answer was out loud that she need some warmth and patience. Since the day I really let go of that feeling of being against the illness or wanting to fix it immediately, it doesn’t affect my meditation anymore and I had a day woke up with a crystal clear mind and a huge amount of peace flowing through my body, I never notice that my hair could be that smooth and my tummy starting to back to normal.

And that’s when I realize that, when you stop pushing it, the universe will sort it out in its own way and own time, all you need to do is listen and trust.

Panic Attack: Sensitivity & Intensity

The night when my belly started to collapse, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was full of fearful thoughts, I felt hopeless and I couldn’t find a way to calm down myself. I kept turning over and over because I feel so uncomfortable in every single cell of my body, but the more I move my body the more i couldn’t fall asleep and the huge amount of anxiety and fear make me feel they are gonna eat me alive.

Then all of a sudden, there’s a very loud voice commanding me: Just breathe! And somehow I stopped to move my body and focus on my breath, and That voice told me: You have nothing right now only your breath, so just breathe through it, and you will be ok.

It took me almost 2 hours to just focus on my breath to calm down, and suddenly a scene of my mom talking very loudly to me scared all my shit out again, and tears came uncontrollably. That’s a breakdown moment i never felt, i didn’t expect it cracks me open that deep. i realize that i was raised in an environment opposite to my sensitive nature, and in order to survive, i had no choice but to stretch myself to things where i felt overwhelmed or not ready. Just push through it and pretend everything is okay. Prove i am worthy or i am right, to be that tough brave girl hide the truth that she actually doesn’t even know how to breathe and she hasn’t built up that mental strength to handle that huge amount of anxiety yet, even little things can freak her out. It was like stretching a rubber band too many times, and it broke easily.

And that is where my darkest misery comes from The craving of being accepted and understood for my sensitivity. There was a lot of crisis moment i felt like i could feel so much and it was unbearable, it was like you diving deep into your emotional ocean but forgetting about bringing your oxygen bottle, so you drown. i wish i could have someone by my side to tell me it’s okay to feel and it will be okay. So i kept looking for someone to be that role for me to nurture me, guide me, accept my mess, to understand that I felt more than you can imagine. And of course, it’s an endless chasing game and you developed a deep attachment to it. When you failed the chase, that sensitivity turns to a huge amount of intensity, the anger, the resentment, the rage of things are not fair, the resistance and the avoidance, the tough push and fighting mechanism, and i just repeated the old pattern over and over again and starting to think there must be something wrong with me.

It was an aha moment that, I have to stop feeding that craving. it feels deep not just on an intellectual level, but also physical. There was no one being that nurturing role for me before, and there won’t be in the future either unless I can be that person to nurture myself, guide me through crisis, accept and acknowledge all the mess I made but still love her. She had huge empathy towards others as she felt deeply for others, but what i gave back to her were only criticism and tough push, i ignored what she needed most when things overwhelmed or unbearable is just someone to listen without any judgement, and i am the one absent for her all along. i am the one push her too far all along and i am the one who lacks empathy towards what she has been through all along.

I couldn’t change how i was raised, i couldn’t change the fact that my family/friends couldn’t see how sensitive i am, but the thing i could change and choose is how i feel about it and take action to break through that pattern. That huge amount of intensity also indicates the strength and power that i have which help me to survive before even when i don’t have the mental capacity to do so, i saw a girl fight with spirit but now she realises she also has a powerful mind that can be her weapon to fight the battle and she is not the only one who came here to fight the battle.

Life can be easier if you know how to be the master of your mind.

You can be a fire light the candle or destroy the forest, it’s up to you.

If things get tough, remember the miracle of your breath, and it will pass.

Being non-judgemental is the biggest kindness to both yourself and others, everyone is trying their best to fight the battle.

Surrender: Be still and it won’t hurt in the end

There’s a shocking moment in the morning meditation after the panic attack night. I was so exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. We woke up at 4am and started to meditate in the hall at 4:30am, i sat on my cushion and thought i can’t push myself anymore i just need to sleep through it so i did it.

During that hour, i still have an awareness about how i body felt, i could feel my body is in pain but i just even don’t have the energy to move, so i told myself, it was just a pain so let it be. i couldn’t sit still for the first 3 days, i constantly change my posture, and that was the first time i sit strictly still without any thought of wanting to move or feeling against any physical discomfort. I was in a total surrendering mode that everything around me is so tranquil, the only thing i could hear is my breath.

When the finishing gong rang, i opened my eyes, and moved my body, surprisingly the intense pain i felt during that hour was absolutely gone. i never felt that light before both my body and my mind, there’s no pain at all in any part of my body! That’s a moment i realize, as long as you don’t move, you won’t feel the pain in the end. That became a reminder for my following mediation session, if you don’t want to feel the pain in the end, then don’t move.

This is like a wake-up call to teach me a lesson of surrender with the physical benefit. There are a lot of things we couldn’t change in our life, the suffering we often felt is caused by our reaction to a person or situation. if we can truly learn the art of surrender, letting go control of things that you have no control over, like how other people think of you, how the weather looks etc, all the suffering will like the pain dissolve in the end of the meditation.

Learn to be still, and know that, you are a human being, not a human doing.

All the suffering will go away as you allow space for them to dissolve.

Sensation games: See things as they are, not how you wish it to be

Another lesson i have learned via this 10-day course as we create our own misery and you couldn’t blame anyone.

After dealing with all the breakdown and physical illness, i thought finally i could fully focus on Vipassana. The meditation technique has its structure and it does need a lot of practice. And that’s where it turns into a sensation game for me and trapped me into an old pattern of being competitive and judging myself as being not good enough.

I reached a stage sitting there, every single moment i felt frustrated or defeated, just because i couldn’t scan certain parts of my body or i couldn’t feel anything in my body. And then i lost my patience, i react even before i could think through it, i moved my body without conscious thought. That shocks me as i didn’t realize how much i like to react or avoid discomfort, it seems like it is rooted in an unconscious level, and i need a supervisor in my head 24/7 to remind my mind to not react.

That’s also a moment I felt how deep that pattern was and how crazy, wild, and ridiculous my mind is and i shouldn’t blame it either, as no one has shown up for her how to cope with things differently and she tried her best to survive.

I just sat there by myself and my mind create all sorts of emotions that defeated me, and there’s certainly no one you can blame as you are the one creating all of it. i felt i was dealing with a rebellious teenager who only listen to herself unless she knew the consequences or benefits.

So i decided to not play this game and to be more patient and empathetic toward her. I will have a conversation with her before we get into the meditation:

• “it’s okay to feel nothing or everything,

• “it’s okay to be not able to do it properly now,

• “it’s nothing personal and it’s not permanent,

• “it will all pass, good or bad

• “if you feel frustrated or defeated, just go back to your breath,

• “we can try it again when you are ready.

These are the conversation i carving to hear from others all along, it turns out the other person i was looking for always lives within. The moment i accepted her as she is, she started to listen to me and every sensation in my body started to flow naturally.

The sensation game is a physical reflection of how our mind reacts and creates follow-up emotions then we couldn’t see things objectively, and quite often get caught by our self-producing story. A pleasant sensation arises, you want it more, and you developed a craving, then an attachment, when it doesn’t come as you wish you feel disappointed; A unpleasant sensation arises, you felt uncomfortable, you hate it so you want to change it, or you avoid to feel it as you think is unbearable, you create a negative feeling towards it and react to it, and it only becomes more intense. That’s simply how we deal with our life, isn’t it?

If there is a pain, that is a pain. It is not because you deserve it or other people cause it, it is just a pain, it will come and it will go away. Same with the blissful sensation, the wonderful moment will come and also will go away, if you are not expecting it too much, there won’t be any disappointment or other negative feelings when you can’t get what you want.

Love and pain is a package of life, Love makes you alive, and pain teaches you the lesson for growth.

Fully accept and embrace what life brings to you, even if it’s not the way you wish, it will all pass and it will be all okay.

The only thing never change is change itself, you could choose to accept it or against it, it’s up to you.

Your emotion won’t lie and it’s not something bad to have, but be cautious of being caught up by them, it wants you to truly listen to your inner self and to make change for yourself instead of trying to change others and external circumstances.

Lightening bulb: Focus on what is working, not what is not working

On day 9, we finally have a chance to talk with our fellow meditators. Everyone was so excited to talk about their experiences and insights.

I remember when i shared my experience of watching my pain and it dissolves and turns into a healing sensation in the end, and how i deal with all unpleasant sensation. Then a lady ask me, ” Do you feel any pleasant sensation？“ I paused, as i couldn’t answer her question at that moment.

It was like a lightning hit in front of me, For the whole 9 days i was focusing on where is my pain or discomfort sensation is and how to feel it, how to dissolve it, and how to watch it disappear. But i completely forgot to feel the pleasant sensation and I couldn’t even recognise which sensations are pleasant for me.

It very much said a brutal truth about myself that i was always seeking problems inside of me, and i was always trying to figure out my pains, i was too focused on sorting my misery out so that i had total ignorance of what is right, what is happy, what is working for me. i developed numbness to happiness. The half-full and half-empty story here for me is that i ignored that i have the glasses.

Then i realize, i actually felt a lot of pleasant sensations during meditation, and that was way more than the unpleasant sensation i have felt. it was ironic that i always waiting for some unpleasant sensation to arise, and fully ignored anything else. That’s another craving i find i lost myself into, chasing the challenges or problems so you could solve it, but life is not all about problem-solving isn’t it? it is also about enjoying what is right, what feels good, and being grateful for it, isn’t it?

Even this sounds like a quiet old philosophy, but when it shows up in this way, i felt it in my body, and it was like finally, someone put a light on a blind spot in your subconscious. Now you realize is all your choice.

Being able to breathe is the most pleasant sensation already.

Be grateful you even have a glass no matter is half empty or half full.

After vipassana: Fight this battle like no one else is watching

After finishes vipassana, i was overwhelmed by going back to reality.

i want to dwell in that aha moment and that stillness, and i certainly don’t want to leave and talk. And i realize how easy as humans, we get caught by sth we like or sth we don’t like and develop attachments to both sides.

it was tough when i was so excited about sharing what i have learned from vipassana, and no one was actually available for me. That triggered me right away, the feeling of isolation, of not being important intensifies, i got frustrated by myself that why i still got triggered by this.

Then i took the earliest bus to the airport. 3 hours of waiting and i knew i was feeling very uncomfortable feeling, and then i remind myself that it will pass and just go outside closed my eyes and breathe. and it did work, the waiting was not suffering for me anymore, I sat there watching people come and go, feeling refreshed and energized.

I realized that i might still be triggered by any external things, still reacting to situations where i shouldn’t be, but the most important thing is now i know the way to back “home”., where i could feel my breath, and all is well.

The deepest acceptance is accepting the imperfection of life, and of course, that includes “the ugly” self within. I finally acknowledge that this is a battle that only belongs to me and only I can fight for it. and i don’t have any difficult feelings towards that fact anymore.

There is no saver, comforter, or therapist who can help me to win the battle. You are the one who needs to give yourself the validation, the credit for how far you’ve come, you are the one who should be the listener of this growth, as sth important to you won’t have the same significance to others, we all have our own battle to fight, and like you can’t have realization for others either, the wisdom you had here won’t be the same to others.

Fight your own battle like no one else is watching, and be grateful for those who are willing to come along, but if not, wish them the best and carry on with your own journey, it will end.

Those missing 10 days, I faced my source of pain, recognize my unconscious pattern, learned how to breathe, started to slow down and make peace with the past and with myself, and i know this is just the beginning.

Remember you always have choices, no matter what happens ahead, choose to breathe.